Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
Randomize