I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
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Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
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I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
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