Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
just walked out of chelsea's house and saw cameron slapping his dick against her car. cant even make this shit up if i tried.
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
the last thing i remember was the norwegian kid tacking a bag of wine to the ceiling, then boom! shower drain.
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
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