He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
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I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
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my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
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