i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
in spanish class. the girl next to me asked what Galapagos were. i told her they were islands. now she thinks Galapagos means islands in spanish
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
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