First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
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