I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
he put his p in my v, then his p in my a, and then tried to put the p in my m? first, double dipping is rude. second, i'm glad he finished shortly after that, i'm afraid of where he'd try to stick it next. my ear?
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
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I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
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It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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