At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
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When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
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