Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
I would compare it to a jeffrey but in smoothie form. More drugs in here than Bobby Brown's sock drawer.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
Randomize