Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
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I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
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my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
He was gone when I woke up. But he left skid marks on my sheets and our unopened bottle of Titos is missing
New Rule: No more sleepovers with guys we met on Reddit
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