He asked to "fluff my boner.."
forecast for tonight- shitshow with a chance of tbell
my version of bright and sunny.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
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