Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
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even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
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Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
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