The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
I skipped class, don't know why though bc all I did in the meantime was cook pancakes and watch infomercials..my life sucks
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
Randomize