What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
Randomize