did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
its not a party unless mikie exposes himself
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
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