Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
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it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
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WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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