Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
Randomize