dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
i'm sick of taking my pants off and seeing a look of disappointment on the girls face. i want her to be frigthened
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
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It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
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