my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
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Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
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I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
Most people that see those numbers aren't going to realize what they mean and those that do will think 'oh those must be her favorite hockey players' and not 'oh she wants to see those hockey players fuck each other'.
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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