I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
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