Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
she says it's "been amazing lately"
i think basically because i hate her so much i'm trying to break her in half
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
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Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
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My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
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