I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
She walked into class late sat down for 5 min muttered 'oh i cant do this' and walked out. She looked like death.
We should party with her soon
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
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