Pappa wants mamma naked
watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
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Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
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He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
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