everytime i listen to a chris brown song and like it i feel like i bad person
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
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Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
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It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
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