i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
You gave him your vagina and this is what I get in return? This is bullshit!
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
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One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
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I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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