i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
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Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
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I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
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