you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
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