If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
You threw up with such class too! Tiara and all.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
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