fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
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I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
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While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
You brought string cheese to the strip club
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
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