so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
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1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
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There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
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