you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
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He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
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He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
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