i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
You're the only chick there. That's not an orgy, that's called a gang bang...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
it glows. i had to have it.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
you've already made the comitment to pee in public you should at least whip your dick out
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
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