he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
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