I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
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I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
Seius question. Does a penis floar when ina baht? Must find out.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
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Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
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