He is such a slut. More and more my type.
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
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