My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
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FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
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I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
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