There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
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