update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
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