Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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