I think my emotional moodswings have reached a new low. I cried for the entire duration of changing my tampon.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
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He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
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I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
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