Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
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You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
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Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
We did it in the bar bathroom and the bathroom attendant sold us a condom. I love Nashville
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
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