dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I got a lot accomplished today, and the day is still young! I built a fort, hot boxed a fort, had a tea party in a fort, and now realizing how high I am.
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
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