running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
And amler is totally snoring loud as fuck sitting on the steps with her feet in a puddle of soda puke
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
Randomize