She was lying the whole time!
She was a great actress
I was a great dumbass
remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
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can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
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The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
Randomize