I met the nicest Tranny last night. He/She loves Cheetos.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
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I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
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I guess the weekly d&d orgies are treating you well
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
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