I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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