I wanna bring you to show and tell
I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
I have before 2 am pics and after 2am pics, which do you want to see first?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize