my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
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do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
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