so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
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Its become more of a routine.. Whenever I get done eating and have left overs I just take it over to his house and throw it all over the walls and windows. Pay backs a bitch ehhhh
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
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I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
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