she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
After it was shut down sean literally made out with four separate girls between the 100 feet to our house. It was a rampage.
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this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
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I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
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